Yoga and Sex Scandals: Not Mutually Inclusive

NY Times recently ran an article by William Broad called “Yoga and Sex Scandals: No Surprise Here.” It had shocking and ground-breaking news that yoga was derived from Tantra and that’s why yogis and their students get aroused and have scandalous affairs.

But guess what? Yoga isn’t what gets us turned on. Our biology gets us turned on. Naturally. For the perpetuation of the species. For the joy of living. Humans have sexual desires. Not just humans who do yoga.

What yoga does is clear the toxins we add to our bodies that dull our ability to feel. Yoga stimulates the glands to secrete properly. Yoga helps release the stress and tension that shut down our sexual drive. Yoga stimulates hormones that make us feel happy, which helps us to socialize with others which may allow a loving connection with another sexual human.

Actually, what causes “sex scandals” is the repression of our natural sex drive. Repression of our desires causes perversions. What you shove down becomes overwhelming and has to find and outlet. Hence, priests and alter boys. Hence, extra-marital affairs. It is the same with any of the human needs. The anorexic denies herself food and then binges impulsively. The addict has been denied love and fills the emptiness with alcohol, porn, comfort food and/or drugs.

We have a choice of whether we are going to acknowledge our natural desires and enjoy them or whether we are going to live lives filled with denial and shame. Living with shame only leads to negative self-image, negative actions and self-abusing thoughts and behavior. Enjoying the basic human desires – eating right, sleeping properly, making love – makes us healthy, happy, self-loving, and kind to others.

Yes, yoga makes you feel more alive. It helps you to become present in your body. It wakes up the senses. It releases fear, stress and toxic energy so that we can feel our natural state of being: joyful, sensitive and perhaps aroused. That should be a good thing. Not a spurious headline.

And yes, perhaps some yogis have taken advantage of their stature, as have senators and CEOs and even Presidents. (Could Clinton's tree pose have dropped Monica to her knees?) But yoga isn’t responsible for people lying to their spouses. Yoga didn’t make the practitioner go to bed with the guru. Probably poor self-esteem or an absentee father did. One doesn’t need to do yoga to abuse sexual desire.

But repressing your own sexuality and creating distance from your body’s needs is going to lead to more pain through depression, perversions and toxic, numbing substitutes (alcohol, overeating, and drugs). Guaranteed.

So, do yoga. Celebrate your body. Celebrate your natural desires. You get pleasure from them for a reason.

Yoga didn’t invent the orgasm. Your body did. Why not enjoy one today? It's cheaper than prozac.

The Trouble with Authority Issues

Here is one of those hard to break cycles in which the cause of the problem prevents the solution to it. Once a person has been abused by an authority it is very difficult for them to get over it because any person striving to help is deemed an authority and thus, untrustable.

Losing that first relationship of dependability and trust creates an angry person who refuses all help (cuz they don’t trust it will help) and so must “do everything on their own.” Not only that, but their distrust extends from the person who first broke trust to their boss, to their teachers, even to God.

“God didn’t protect me from this person who hurt me so I can’t trust God either.” This is a conundrum. The expectation of being let down or hurt leads to that reality. The chip on the shoulder from being hurt always makes others defensive as well. So, the person with authority issues will inevitably work for the unfair boss, will get pulled over by the condescending police officer and will spend hours on the phone trying to get a refund for $12.99.

This will be further proof of the injustice in the world and lackadaisical attitude of God. The people most hurt will become skeptical of everything. They will see people as trying to get something out of them. They will see kindness as manipulation and love as entrapment.

What can be done when any action taken will be perceived as an attack?

I know what rescued me from being a PWAI, person with authority issues, was a native American woman named Fran. She sat in a talking circle and passed around a feather. When you held the feather you could talk and everyone else had to listen. I thought this talking circle was miraculous. People actually listened to what I had to say. They had to. Ha ha ha. And everything shared in this circle was sacred. It could not be spoken of or referred to outside of the circle. And Fran listened to each person so intensely. She would nod with a serious expression and you felt like Mother Earth cared about your feelings.

Having Fran look at me the way she did and watching her listen to each person was the first time I felt compassion. It melted me. My insides turned to warm butter. Fran cared. Fran listened. Fran didn’t judge. And nothing shocked or frightened Fran. No issue was too great for her heart could hold the whole of the world. I asked Fran how she was able to be so loving and compassionate and she said “I see through God’s eyes.”

Looking at people through God’s eyes meant that we all looked dear and precious and like the miracles we are. And Fran changed my years of swimming upstream just from the way she looked at me.

It took many years to melt my rebellion. It took many years to let go of my anger. It took many years to remove my armor. I was significantly protected. But I did it. Taking one tiny trusting step at a time, finding one healer after the next who I could trust to support my transformation and not betray my trust. Then, finally one day, like the caterpillar turning into the butterfly, I trusted again. I trusted men and women, and bosses and police officers and God and even myself. Even those bureaucratic people on the phone have hearts, I learned.

So, now my goal is to offer help to others. The ones who don’t want help because they can do it all themselves. The ones who mistrust actions and intentions and project suspicious motivations. Somehow I will learn what they need. Non-judgment. A belief in their highest self. A witness to their pain. An encouraging word.

And I will give what Fran gave to me…faith. Faith in myself, faith in God, faith in a world that is, at its core, good.

Thanks Fran…no more tickets.

Why Monks Are Boring or The Affect of the Ego

It recently occurred to me that many personality traits stem straight from ego wounds. Someone calls you “stupid” so you develop “the intellectual” aspect, reading everything you can get your hands on. Someone calls you “weak” and suddenly the “workout” guy appears desperate to tone his muscles and build his strength.

When I was little and my mom constantly talked about wanting to die, I developed “manic, sarcastic” girl, who took nothing seriously, in order to defend myself. The downside of “manic, sarcastic” girl was that she pissed a lot of people off with her unedited sharp tongue and outspokenness. Also, she tended to get a lot of driving tickets.

As children, we need these defenses. As adults, they limit our freedom of expression. They pen us in by giving us rote responses to the stimulus around us. And that’s why monks are boring. Monks have spent so much time meditating that they have melted the personality defenses and come into oneness with their true loving nature. (Of course they’re not really boring, it’s just my personality affect drawing them that way to intrigue you.)

Monks have no need to flirt or win an Oscar or have a big bank account or raise their status through marrying well or having a great job: they know their value as divine, they don’t have to prove themselves through witty quips or sexy dance moves. (But that does give me a great idea for a TV show.) They don’t need to make jokes at other people’s expense or judge others as bad to make themselves good.

And as I mentioned, monks aren’t really boring. Inside they are ecstatically blissful beaming with radiant energy. Outside, they are peaceful and delight all with their gentle smiles and colorful robes.

It’s been interesting for me as I’ve reintegrated those ego personality traits that I used to get attention. The enthusiastic cheerleader – wow, she took a lot of energy. The manic, sarcastic girl – she had a “comeback” for everything. The over achiever – so happy to let that one go and be in the flow and receive from the universe. Even the “laid back flower child” was a bit of an affect.

By loving and accepting each aspect of myself (the victim, the bully, the desperate, needy self, the demanding self, the jealous self) I have slowly traced the creation of each trait back to their original trauma, felt and released the pain and misunderstanding that created it and transmuted the energy I used to maintain that trait into loving energy.

So, maybe you don’t want to be a monk, but maybe being Woody Allen is wearing a little thin. What can you do?

You can spend time with the trait you are ready to integrate: the overeater, the drinker, the liar, the procrastinator – you can sit down and talk to that part of yourself. Don’t scold it or mock it or put it down – that’s how it was created in the first place.

Endeavor to understand it. Ask it questions. Listen to its answers. Maybe the drinker needs to feel loved to let go of “needing to relax.” Maybe the procrastinator needs some assurance that you believe in him. Maybe the liar needs to know it is safe (now) to tell the truth. Maybe the overeater needs to tell you about not getting her needs met in the past. Maybe she needs you to speak up to get her needs met now.

Listen, learn, understand and love that aspect. And you might find that aspect can release its tight grip on you. It can release protecting you in its rigid way. Maybe that aspect can become freed up energy that you can use to enjoy life, create goodness and radiant love. Afterall, it worked for the monks…